Insider

I might not have mentioned this before but I am studying Psychology in college with a minor in Sociology.

Right now I am in this class for my minor called Death, Society, and Human Experience; shorter title is "Death and Dying". In this class we are learning the rituals and customs following and surrounding death primarily in the US. We also have to examine ourselves and the feelings of others when it comes to death, being that this is a sociology class.

Every night I have to read more into the chapters in my textbook. I have to explore death and relive my own experiences. Each Tuesday and Thursday I have to listen as my professor speaks about death and dying in her sweet soft voice that makes you want to cry even if she's telling a joke.

This class is the essence of melancholy.

Our first assignment was online and we had to tell our experiences with death. Whether we were "insiders" having had loved ones die or of that nature; or if we were "outsiders" having had little to no experience with a loved one dying.

In writing my post I made it very short and sweet. Saying basically, "Yes I am an insider and yes I have seen too much death for my young age." I couldn't bring myself to give anymore grave (excuse the pun) details.

Later as I began exploring our textbook I found a few surveys that inquired about my experience with death again. This time it got personal.

It asked me if I had known anyone who had attempt suicide: Yes.
It asked if I had known anyone who had committed suicide: Yes.
Then it asked me how these things have affected me as of now.

Words cannot describe to you the anguish and heartache that those memories brought back. Two years ago grief counselors were recommended to those of us who knew Scott MacKenzie. But I said to myself that I was fine. For a while I thought I was. I went about my life, even went to his funeral (but left before it started because I couldn't let anyone see me cry). For months I was in denial that he was even dead. That he had even done what he had done. I saw jeeps like his all around, I saw Marine stickers everywhere and I thought it could be him. I saw the Lacrosse team at school and looked for him to be with them. I even tried calling him a few times.

There was always an empty seat in our communications class after September 28, 2011. It also felt like there was an empty place in my heart. I couldn't come to grips that my friend, who was suppose to meet me for lunch, had shot himself the night before. I knew he wasn't the same when he got back from the war, he had told me what had happened over there and the injuries he had been inflicted with. But I never knew that he would be capable of such a thing.

I suppose the point in me writing this post is that I hope to see a change. I pray that this class not only teaches me about how other people cope but it may also help me to let go of my friend. His anniversary is coming a month from today. I just need God's hand upon me as this time approaches because it doesn't get any easier as time passes.

Storms

Go outside.

Look up.

Now look to your left...

Your right.

Take it all in.

What do you see?

For me I see trees, a quiet one lane road that maybe two or three cars drive down during the day. Because I am writing this at night, as I look up I see millions of glittering stars and a tiny airliner flying slowly through the sky. I see the occasional bat and hear the occasional rustle as something scurries through the woods.

You may see a blue sky, white or grey clouds, the sun, birds, trees, buildings, cars, or people. Some may even see darkness and rain, hear loud thunder and see huge bolts of lightening. The point of my exercise and my hope is that by the time you finish reading this post you will see all of these things the way I do, the way God intended us to see them... as beautiful.

There used to be days when I couldn't find the beauty in God's creation. The struggle with sin was overbearing. It was more than I could handle on my own. On more than one occasion I didn't even understand why I was even on this earth anymore. That was until I found the Lord. It was as if my eyes were opened to the beauty around me. Suddenly the battle over sin was easier because I was no longer alone. I didn't have to struggle alone. I saw God's creation as beautiful. I saw His glorious sacrifice in everything around me. 

I suddenly realized that the struggles I faced weren't dead ends or a lost cause they were simply stepping stones to something greater. 

Kind of like a storm; it may seem treacherous when the loud thunder and dangerous lightening begin but when the storm passes and the sun dries the earth, new life is created and what is more beautiful than new life?

Here is a picture to help explain what I mean: 

When it rain it creates water for the plants that then use that water to grow and use the sunlight to create oxygen for us to breathe. Those plants are eaten by the animals that we then eat. Also, the rain provides clean drinking water for those animals to stay healthy enough for us to have healthy animals to eat in order for us to stay healthy and strong. The rain in turn, provides humans with clean drinking water.

So though the storm is treacherous and sometimes it is long and destructive, the benefits and the beauty that lies just around the corner is more magnificent than one could have ever imagined!

What I find most comforting is that when you find yourself under the covers because your storm is too loud and the rain is just too heavy, God will answer if you will just cry out to Him.

In Psalms 116:1-2 David writes:

"I love the Lord, because he has heard
    my voice and my pleas for mercy.

Because he inclined his ear to me,
    therefore I will call on him as long as I live."

What a strong and faithful Savior we have! He is there when we call upon Him. So if your storm is overbearing and you fail to see the beauty that is His creation, the science that is His miracle, then call on Him and He will answer in due time. When I fell to my knees in December 2006 and cried to Him asking for Him to save this sinner and show me His love, He opened my eyes to what I now see as the most beautiful place I could have ever imagined! I wake up every morning thanking God for another breath. I look out my window and thank Him for creating such a beautiful world for my enjoyment. Our Father in heaven is not just powerful, merciful, and everything... He is indeed the most incredible artist! So don't see your storms as ugly or scary, see them as beautiful beginnings. God has something great in store for you!